White lies and malicious lies are equally as destructive to a marriage, and master liars are more likely to suspect others of lying

“Isn’t it just a matter of one sentence? Be sunny in your heart.”

"One sentence can accomplish something, one sentence can do bad things, one sentence can create a harmonious society, can you be a little brighter in your heart? Huh? "

At the 2010 Spring Festival Gala, the sketch "One Word" performed by Guo Donglin and Niu Li made many netizens in the "siege" feel the same way. This sketch tells the story of a couple who both want to show their loyalty to each other but are suspicious of each other, only to find that both of them are telling lies. Although it was nothing more than a trivial matter, they lied to each other unconsciously.

“There are too many lies in the lives of both sexes. Many women are insecure and like to get to the bottom of things. Many men try to deal with it with the mentality of 'more is worse than less', but even if it is a white lie, it Hu Shenzhi, director of the Guangzhou Sunflower Psychological Counseling Center, said that an intimate attachment relationship must be based on sincerity and trust. "It's like a bank. Overdraft of trust will only lead to personal losses." The credibility has been low since then, and everything you say feels like lying."

Case

One party is constantly raising suspicions, and the other party is trying hard to lie.

Hu Shenzhi once received such a couple whose relationship was in danger. The husband is a company manager and has a lot of social activities, while the wife has more free time. At some point, the husband noticed that his wife often peeked at his cell phone while he was taking a shower or going to the toilet. To avoid a quarrel, the husband simply installed another card in his phone at the same time. When the wife found out, she started a head-on conflict with him. "The husband told me that he had no real 'irregularities', but in order to appease his suspicious wife, he had to start lying and perfunctory, and she was like a detective, constantly raising questions. The two eventually became strangers. , difficult to get along with."

Coincidentally, in another couple, the wife took the lead after making a mistake. "The wife told me that she could not stop questioning her husband after he returned from drinking, because she had lost her virginity once after drinking, so she did not believe that her husband could keep his virginity." The husband patiently explained at first, but then As his wife's questioning continued to escalate, he began to make up various excuses.

“These two examples actually illustrate the subtle relationship between the sexes. The woman may ask because of low self-esteem and anxiety, while the man may be careless and afraid of trouble and want to fool around, which ultimately leads to more and more conflicts between the two parties. The more." Hu Shenzhi said.

Analysis

White lies can also damage the relationship between husband and wife

Although the two sexes may conceal and lie to each other, Hu Shenzhi believes that in reality, women always It's the one who bears more responsibility for questioning, and most men may have experience lying. "Lying has two fundamental purposes, one is to gain benefits from it, and the other is to avoid punishment." Many men told me during consultation that they just want the other party to give up and stop being aggressive.

However, can lies really calm things down, avoid quarrels, and lubricate a marriage? Hu Shenzhi denied this. "Continuous lying, even if it is all done in good faith, will also damage the relationship between husband and wife and even disintegrate the marriage. White lies are just subjectively less malicious, but they destroy trust in the same way as malicious lies, and there is no difference in essence." Hu Shen Zhi said.

"Although telling the truth may lead to incomprehension and criticism, lying may lead to more losses. Because once a lie is exposed, it will reduce credibility, alienate intimacy, and fool the other person's IQ." Hu Shenzhi express. Lies can sometimes be like dominoes. If you tell too many lies, you will fall into a vicious cycle that you cannot extricate yourself from. Once you tell the first lie, you will have to tell the second and Nth lie to maintain the original one. The liar will become more and more The more guilty and impatient you are, the more likely you are to be exposed.

During an interview, Hu Shenzhi revealed another unknown truth: Only true masters of lying are more likely to be suspicious of others, and honest people always trust others more. "Just like the wife who started to investigate her husband after he had an affair, it was actually because she had feelings of lying, moral pressure, and had deceived the other person that she felt that there might be secrets hidden behind the other person's normal behavior. People with a clear conscience often let others go. Horse." Hu Shenzhi said that this kind of behavior of "extrapolating oneself to others" after lying will have a serious impact on one's own emotions and relationships with each other.

A common white lie between husband and wife is "the bottom line"

○The husband is socializing with clients. It is obvious that he is receiving a female client, but when the wife asks, she often gets the answer "it's a man." Or "very ugly" or "there is a third party";

○When the husband has achieved success, he often exaggerates his personal achievements, but when he is frustrated at work, he may shake his head and say "it's okay";

○When the husband did not return or answer the phone, the wife called her best friends. Many of her best friends would express tacitly as usual, "He was with me, drunk (or in the bathroom)!" To help each other out;

○The wife bought expensive clothes on impulse when she was out, and she might cut off the label and tell her husband that it was only 30% off the real price, so as not to hear complaints;

○Husbands tend to hide the fact that they have someone they admire outside of their home, but wives are often willing to share it with their husbands if they encounter someone who praises them or expresses their affection.

Suggestion

To maintain an intimate relationship, you can only "tell each other the truth"

"It can be said that one of the main culprits of divorce between couples is actually trust in each other. Completely broken." Hu Shenzhi said that the intimate relationship between husband and wife can only be built on the basis of "telling the truth to each other" and attachment is generated because of trust. Any other so-called good intentions and lies about not wanting to hurt each other are in vain. He said that both parties must express their true inner feelings on a platform where they can communicate with each other, and at the same time tolerate some of the spouse's mistakes.

Hu Shenzhi also said that whether the relationship between the sexes can "tell each other the truth" is also based on whether the psychological maturity and tolerance of both men and women are sufficient. The skills of apologizing and communicating after making mistakes are also very important. "These all need to be well balanced with each other. Non-principled mistakes should be fully forgiven. Arguing over trivial matters will only lay the foundation for lying next time."

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