When we consider ourselves to do well enough, but the result is not as unsatisfactory, blaming others is not good enough, it may be one of the easiest choices. And when something like this happens repeatedly, people can't help but wonder, is it just because of others? Here we will use the story of a housewife who likes to do everything perfect but suffered a failed marriage to see what is hidden behind the perfect mentality that prevents us from getting perfect results.

“I have no regrets, I work hard, I give you all my smiles, and I turn away to heal my wounds alone...” The sadness in Xiaolei’s recent blog really scared her friends. Big jump, but understandably, Xiaolei had just experienced a marriage change a few months ago. What hit Xiaolei the most was that she thought she had devoted a lot to her family and her husband, arranging life at home properly so that her husband could run his business without worries. Unexpectedly, her husband took the initiative to propose divorce. The problem she couldn't figure out was just like what was written in the blog - I have done everything I should do, and I can tolerate your faults. What else are you dissatisfied with?

Whenever someone leaves a message on her blog expressing sympathy for Xiaolei's situation, she feels very pleased, thinking that in most people's hearts, she is still on the "reasonable" side. But Xiaolei also heard some different opinions. For example, someone would say, "With your pursuit of perfection over time, people around you will inevitably be stressed." Seeing such words, Xiaolei couldn't help but think of the time before the divorce. , my husband also said that he put a lot of pressure on him. Xiaolei didn't understand it at the time, but now she's a little embarrassed and wonders: Is this really the case? If so, how did you put pressure on him? With the encouragement of friends, Xiaolei found a psychiatrist for the first time.

Behind perfection lies attack

In the first few consultations, Xiaolei protected herself tightly. Most of the time, she talked about what she had done for her family and how little her ex-husband valued her. The questions she asked the psychiatrist most often were, "Why does he still not cherish me when I do a good job and leave me?" and "What should I do to make him satisfied?" However, the psychiatrist did not answer directly. Xiaolei's question is to ask Xiaolei to talk more about his feelings instead of guessing what his ex-husband is thinking.

During a consultation, the psychiatrist asked Xiaolei, "You talked a lot about your dissatisfaction with your ex-husband, but you didn't seem to express it directly to him?" "No," Xiaolei said hesitantly, "I always I thought, if I do well enough, he has no reason not to do well, and when he does something wrong, I get very angry, but I never tell him, just waiting to get angry next time." < /p>

After saying this, Xiaolei was silent for a long time. This was the first time in such a long time that she expressed her feelings instead of attacking her ex-husband. In the view of the psychiatrist, it is very important for Xiao Lei to admit this. At least the reason for the divorce was no longer just that her ex-husband didn't know how to "cherish" her. A certain threatening element in Xiao Lei also played a role.

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Faced with his own desire to attack, the psychiatrist once again helped Xiaolei, and took a big step forward in explaining the reason for the divorce to Xiaolei's pursuit of perfection. "What would you do if he didn't do what you imagined?" Xiaolei recalled several similar scenes and said that sometimes small things, including not clearing the coffee table, would make her unhappy. Happy, and in the words of her ex-husband, it was as if she had planned to find fault with him in advance, just waiting to explode. But at such times, Xiao Lei always behaves very split: on the one hand, he is full of anger and grievance in his heart, feeling that his efforts have been wasted, but on the other hand, he is calm on the surface, and at most he is sarcastic. sentence, showing her husband a cold face.

"I also felt this way during the consultation. Sometimes you seemed to be dissatisfied with what I said. You didn't say it out loud, but I could feel your contempt for me." The psychiatrist took the opportunity to express his feelings, Xiao Lei admitted a little embarrassedly that when she saw that the psychiatrist was a man and somewhat similar to her ex-husband, she unconsciously transferred many of her emotions towards her ex-husband to the psychiatrist, "I especially want to prove to you , I am not wrong in this marriage." After saying that, Xiao Lei and the psychiatrist looked at each other and smiled, which dispelled Xiao Lei's self-defense for several months and made him face his own problems more calmly.

Regarding the divorce, Xiaolei no longer dwelled on why her ex-husband left her, but began to see her own problems - wanting to appear perfect actually hid another meaning: not giving others any chance to criticize or find fault with herself. And when others are in front of perfection, they always feel inferior, but this puts a lot of pressure on my ex-husband. The psychiatrist told Xiao Lei, "Maybe someone was too picky and harsh on you in the past, but your ex-husband was not. You just retaliated on him for all the injuries you suffered." Xiao Lei trusted the psychiatrist's explanation and was willing to continue. Explore and confront what lies beneath the perfect performance. On Xiaolei’s blog, I no longer see long paragraphs of plaintive text. Recently, my friends also saw this sentence on her blog, “Don’t blame others, just take responsibility for yourself, be responsible for yourself, it’s a bit tiring. , but also very happy.”

Take another look

Why does it have to be perfect?

Looking at the development and deconstruction process of this mentality, you will understand why we sometimes blackmail others with perfection.

1. I really don’t want to experience the feeling of being picked on, criticized, and blamed again;

2. If I do it perfectly, others will have no chance to find fault with me;

3. Moreover, if I look perfect, then it will be others who are criticized and picky;

4. Others have no reason to criticize me. I have done so well, right?

5. Why do others still look for opportunities to apologize to me? They owe me.

Reverse deconstruction

1. I hide my sorrow, grievance, and anger, but I don’t show it, but even the smallest unpleasant things are enough to trigger my emotions;

2. Why? I always compare the performance of others with my own. From a logical point of view, I do better than others, but I do this just to make others unable to compare with me;

3. Why should I let others be inferior to me? Because I have been placed in an inferior position, but I don't want to stay in this position. However, this actually has little to do with the people around me now;

4. I am not controlled by the past. I can face the problems of the past. Once faced, the "perfect threat" of the present will no longer exist.

Practical Advice

When sorrow always comes

People who frequently blame others for the unsatisfactory life, and even create opportunities to blame others, are they suspected of "replacing others with others"? Behind emotions such as sadness, sarcasm, grievance, and attack, there is a mentality of "I am superior and you are inferior", and always hoping to put others in a "low" position is the key to the problem.

Usually, we can clarify and sort out our own behavioral patterns through keen awareness, but for some behavioral patterns that have been hidden for a long time or are deeper, we can also ask professionals to help sort them out.

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