A well-known website in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Chengdu and other major cities mobilized female netizens over the age of 25 to express your "most shocking wish" and "voice from the bottom of your heart". 74 female netizens participated in the discussion % are married, and among these groups with stable marriages, 57% confessed that at a certain stage of their marriage, they particularly longed for a "beautiful affair", and the number of people yearning for one-night stands also accounted for 24.5% of married female netizens. , this ratio is almost the same as that of unmarried female netizens. After getting this very surprising data, Ms. Mou, who was in charge of the survey, said: Maybe we have such a vision at our wedding, that getting married can solve the emptiness and loneliness of the soul, and that once you get married, you will no longer be lonely; but the fact is Maybe just the opposite? Perhaps a question worthy of exploration and reflection by many married women is, why are they still lonely after getting married? Should men be responsible for this problem? If men are far from aware that this is a big problem, what should we do?

Let’s hear the most poignant findings from married housewives.

Discovering A: His promises were all touching lies. In fact, he was not willing to change a little bit for me.

For women who hold this view, their marriages are generally in a state of "N-year itch". Modern people's marriage itch has three years, five years, seven years and eleven years. In other words, (unfortunately, wedding anniversaries are all in odd-numbered years, and quite a few odd-numbered years are high-risk periods, while even-numbered years are entering a cooperation period). Fundamentally speaking, modern people’s marriages are in a period of early and early itching. In the dilemma of growing up, three years is the period of newlywed burnout; five years is the period of childbirth conflict; seven years is the period of post-childbirth burnout; eleven years is the period of complete doubt... To be honest, women at this stage have not yet fallen in love. Enough hard work will make them never forget how many pre-marital vows the man broke after marriage. Behind the complaint of "actually he is not willing to change a little bit for me" is the bone-crushing feeling of "he doesn't love me" Sad conclusion.

When Zhang Yifei raised this suspicion again, her husband was finally offended. He asked, "Have you changed a little for me?" Zhang Yifei cited many examples to prove that she had made great achievements. Sacrifice: She wanted to be a DINK, and his whole family liked children, so she gave birth to a son; she took on many housework that she did not have to do before marriage, including waxing the floor and planting trees on the lawn in front of the building. She was responsible for Relatives and friends who came to take care of him, including his uncle who invited him to Beijing for medical treatment, stayed at their home for two months... "I am not forcing you to make these changes," Zhang Yifei's husband argued. Having a child is yours after the age of 32. Your motherhood has awakened, and you believe that life with children is a complete life; you take on housework because you are a perfectionist yourself, and you think that any nanny who does housework is not as considerate as you; the relatives and friends who come and go could have lived away from home. In the guest house not far away, but do you think that in this case, the expenses must be borne by us... Yifei laughed dumbly, why did she ignore her husband's rebuttal?

The above "unfairness" has been tossing and turning in her heart for a long time, making her feel angry and lonely. Why did he think these were all trivial details when he opened his mouth? Yifei's husband then asked, "You accused me of being unwilling to make sacrifices and changes. To be more specific, I want to know where exactly you are dissatisfied with me?" Yifei almost blurted out: "Do you still need me to talk about this? You Don’t you have any self-awareness at all?” But thinking that since it was a conversation, I had to be patient, I pointed it out one by one: my husband refused to take a shower after having sex in the morning; he didn’t clean up the crumbs of potato chips after eating potato chips with his son on the sofa; Her husband does not wash his hair every day but only once every three days. She has told him many times that she hates the smell of hair oil on the one-piece pillow, and he often forgets to pay the mobile phone bill on time, causing her mobile phone to be in trouble. Being shut down at a critical moment... "Are these the problems? Which one is the substantive problem? Is it unforgivable?" How did she tell him how annoying it was to find ants on the sofa and the phone being turned off? ? Instead, he blamed her: If you ask me to change these little things, I am willing to accept supervision. Yes, the birth of a good husband requires patient help from a woman, just like the growth of a child requires patient help.

The nature of a man is unconscious, which is no different from that of a child; the formation of all his conscious behaviors requires sufficient patience from his wife, not empty responsibilities.

Women’s code of conduct is: they are used to magnifying “whether they care about me in details” to “whether they love me or not”, but men don’t think so. He thinks “as long as I am with you at the critical moment” ,this is Love". This huge difference in the way of thinking is also one of the important factors that lead women to think that "marriage is boring" and "marriage is also very lonely."

Analysis and advice: You can change him, if you have enough determination and patience! Change requires solid goals. Men have a bad memory, so don't try to change several of his habits at the same time. Taking it one step at a time, spending an average of three months on changing one of his "bad habits" is a relatively safe approach. The other is to praise his efforts as much as possible during the change process, and to be a smart wife who knows how to "appreciate education".

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Discovery B: Making love, but lacking true spiritual integration

In the eyes of men, communication between husband and wife should be everything. They feel that if they use various techniques to bring you to climax, it is worth a thousand words, and the tacit understanding of the body can naturally reach the soul. They talk about how women always talk about affairs in the office in bed, talk about the difficulties in the relationship between mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, and aunt-in-law, talk about their views on the theme of "betrayal and lies" in a certain erotic movie, and even talk about what the next "five-year plan" should be in marriage. A man will be surprised by what kind of goals he achieves. He will feel that a woman is not dedicated and attentive enough, "Why does she do two things?" "Can't my efforts make her forget all the troubles in this world?"

These thoughts make men feel frustrated. He has to try to block women's absent-mindedness and chattering with faster and stronger frequency. At the same time, when faced with women's discussions and questioning, he will adopt a very perfunctory approach. manner. For example, "You are really naive. Erotic movies are all commercial operations. As an audience, you are a link in the investor's interest chain. You still relish the plots created by the screenwriters. It is really childish." Men's skills , which is to brush aside the core of the woman's questioning in a manner that separates the flowers from the willows. For example, he clearly knew that the purpose of discussing the plot of the movie was to ask, "What do you think about betrayal and lies? Will you become the hero of betrayal and lies?" However, he used simple comments such as "childish" and "childish" to express his feelings. Pass.

It’s not that men don’t want to tell the truth, but at least not during sex. The structure of the brains of men and women is slightly different. Men’s unique brain grooves determine that it is difficult for them to multi-purpose during sex. During sex, he is the leader, controlling the direction, intensity and rhythm. At this stage, he cannot Hope to be disturbed. From a woman's point of view, a man can't tell the truth even in bed. What if she isn't in deep loneliness? Both sex websites and related books mislead women by saying: Don’t put the real communication after the main activity of making love is over, because a man will have a strong refractory period. At this stage, his whole body and mind will be drowsy. It is difficult to communicate verbally and spiritually. In other words, the so-called sex experts are intentionally or unintentionally encouraging the habit of discussing problems during sex, because "in five minutes he will be fast asleep, and you will be the only one stranded in the moonlight with a belly full of questions." This is actually the case. What? Today's "white-bone demon" type married men also know that "without afterplay is a tasteless behavior," and afterplay is not necessarily a kind of behavioral caressing, but may be more reflected in in-depth communication through words.

The more successful a man is, the more likely he is to have a hard and closed heart as hard as a walnut, and sex is one of the powerful weapons to break open the inner walls. Many married women find that their husbands become talkative and candid ten minutes after sex, which is an important sign; they should take advantage of the man's "disarming" time to try to understand him more deeply.

Analysis and advice: Don’t discuss advanced issues with your partner during sex, if you don’t want to get perfunctory answers! Save the questions until he is completely relaxed before asking the up or down questions! Remember not to talk about unpleasant topics every time in bed. If you always argue in bed, and in the end even the beautiful seconds you had before no longer exist, then it is very likely that this shortcut of communication will soon be unilaterally used by the man. Block up. Often reward him with topics that can make both parties feel more happy, such as discussing vacation plans, car replacement plans, and plans to buy gifts for both parents; giving him ideas for his promotion, etc. Remember this: As long as you are used to talking in a relaxed manner in bed, a man will be able to accept the occasional heavy and pointed topic.

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Found C: There is a lack of truly heart-pounding gazes and compliments between you; he doesn’t seem to pay attention to your changes at all, and his body and mind are obsessed with his quirks Occupied.

There is a true story about a workaholic husband who stays in the office fourteen to five hours a day. His wife occasionally saw from a newspaper advertisement column "the wonderful prospects that guided microcosm surgery brings to women's lives" and thought that this surgery It might help to "awaken" my husband's heart, so I deliberately "traveled for a month" and hid myself to have this surgery. But two months after returning home, her absent-minded husband didn't notice anything "different" about her. The extremely disappointed wife later said to her girlfriends: "Maybe unless you have done disguise surgery, you don't want him to "My eyes stay on your face for 5 seconds longer." As soon as he gets married, a man's eyes seem to move away from the woman, and his attention stays more on his hobbies, promotion and wealth, football games, and motorcycles. Off-roading, fishing, and refitting a racing car engine into a Jeep; after owning a private car, I drove out to see the villa every weekend. "Looking at the extension of the villa is infinitely close to staring at your lover."

The above is a summary of one wife. The plot described by another wife is that her husband’s unshakable “car love plot” every day is to carry the motorcycle from the first floor to the fourth floor every day, just to Sitting on the seat of a motorcycle and watching the game. In her husband's life, motorcycles ranked first, football games second, but she was only No. 3. Indeed, China’s marriage culture has always lacked gaze and praise. No matter how highly educated the husbands are, or even have studied abroad and are gold-plated, he is still a boy who grew up in a patriarchal family. Since childhood, what he has heard and witnessed is his mother's absolute obedience to his father and attentive service. Correspondingly, hearing and seeing is the neglect and indifference of the father to the mother. Boys who grow up quietly in this kind of marriage environment will naturally think after marriage, "I just have you in my heart, why do I have to say so many polite words." From an objective perspective, Generally speaking, women who are romantic by nature have more opportunities than men to be immersed in Western cultural views on marriage, and their inner expectations for "gaze and praise" are much higher. This is why Eastern women such as China, Japan and South Korea feel that marriage is "unhelpful". One of the root causes of loneliness.

Waiting endlessly for the other party’s realization and praise is a negative attitude no matter what. Even among Western couples, the gaze and praise are mutual. You might as well let the gaze and praise start with you. He loves motorcycles, the related off-road culture and showing off his skills. Why should you be stingy in praising him? explain

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