Can a couple who just had an argument go to bed right away? Listeners, please don’t rush to know the answer, because this question involves how to arrange──

Sexual seating

A couple once came to me for psychological consultation. They were saying the same thing, but with completely different attitudes.

My wife came to me to complain. She said: "My husband is really shameless. After I had a disagreement with him, I ignored him. But when I turn off the lights at night, he wants to do that to me. I still feel angry. I really want to kick him away, but looking at his playful face, I can’t bear it. I really don’t know what he is thinking. Should I reject him? ”

My husband came to me to show off to me. He said to me: "Women are most afraid of going to bed. Even if something big happens, even if she hates you so much, as long as you sleep, the dark clouds in the sky will disappear. This is my successful experience! But I I also want to know, after sleeping together, do we need to mention the disagreement between the two again?"

I imagine this is not uncommon. As the saying goes: It rains from the sky and flows from the ground to the ground. There is no need for a young couple to worry about quarrels. They have a bowl to eat and a pillow to sleep on. It seems that sleeping is indeed the best way to calm down marital disputes.

Yes. These two people aroused my great interest. In my opinion, they represent two of the most popular views on sex.

One view of sex is dominated by women, who can be said to be emotional supremacists. They overemphasize the emotional component of sexual contact. They must first be overflowing with emotion, and then allow for unrestrained sensuality. In other words, before the relationship reaches a high degree of harmony, they regard sexual union as an incredible thing, which can even be compared with rape.

Another view on sex is more common among men. They can be said to be carnal omniists. They believe too much in the power of sensuality and regard sex as a kind of conquest deep in their hearts. They believe that as long as they conquer a woman physically, then the spiritual conquest is self-evident.

Your classification is very interesting. So, Dr. Li, what is your personal attitude towards emotional supremacists and sensual omnipotists?

For these two views, most sex experts praise the former and depreciate the latter. But in my opinion, the guiding significance of these two views on people's sexual life cannot be doubted. Let’s talk about the former first, that is, the emotional supremacist. When two people are in love, this understanding will undoubtedly bring rich and colorful spiritual connotations to sexual life. And once there is a crack in the relationship between two people, even if there is a slight discomfort due to a little friction, the first thing to be sacrificed is sexual contact. The greater tragedy of this kind of people is that they have no idea what is wrong with them. They are deeply influenced by traditional concepts and regard the spirit as noble and the flesh as despicable. They would never allow themselves to be driven by their fleshly desires, considering it shameful to do so. Even if sometimes one's own sexual requirements are very strong, they must be suppressed by force.

Let’s talk about the latter. Lust is by no means omnipotent, but conversely it cannot be said that lust is incompetent. The popular saying that Sister Huang mentioned just now, "There is no need to worry about a couple fighting, just a small pillow at night" vividly describes the process of successful sexual mediation between couples. When there is a barrier in spiritual communication, let the flesh take the lead. Use close physical contact to dilute the unhappiness in your heart, create a harmonious environment and atmosphere, and then eliminate the previous unhappiness on this basis. Even difficult things will be solved easily.

Listening to what you said, I think the conflict between the couple you mentioned at the beginning is not difficult to resolve.

Yes. Based on the above analysis, we can calmly answer the questions raised by the couple. For that wife, we should tell her: "You should not refuse your husband's sexual request, especially after the two people have a conflict. Spirit and body can have priorities, but they should not be distinguished. You can put spiritual communication first, and you can also put physical communication first. The wife must not think that her husband's lack of words and emphasis on actions means that he only cares about his own venting. He must know that actions are a silent language, and wives must understand their husbands carefully. "Goodwill expressed through sex."

For that man, we should tell him: "It is not a bad way to use sex to seek relationship improvement, but it must not be regarded as a panacea. Magic weapon. The pleasure brought by sexual contact can trigger beautiful feelings between both parties, but it does not mean that the original cause of the conflict disappears. Husbands must know that it is best to solve this conflict while the iron is hot. You must admit it as soon as possible. If you admit your mistake at this time, your wife will be happy to express her understanding. If you regard sexual contact as a cure-all, and repeat your old tricks again and again, it will not take long for your wife to stop. If I keep doing this, I will completely dislike you."

Okay, let me repeat your point of view on this phenomenon. A wife should not refuse her husband's sexual request, especially after the two have a conflict. Spirit and body can have priorities, but they should not be distinguished. You can put spiritual communication first, or you can put physical communication first. A wife must not think that her husband's lack of words and emphasis on actions means that he only cares about himself. We must know that action is a silent language, and wives must seriously appreciate the goodwill expressed by their husbands through making love.

We tell our husbands this: Using sex to seek improvement in relationships may not be a bad idea, but it must not be regarded as a universal magic weapon. The pleasure brought by sexual contact can trigger beautiful feelings between both parties, but it does not mean that the original cause of the conflict does not exist. Husbands need to know that it is best to strike while the iron is hot to completely resolve this conflict. If you are at fault, you must admit it as soon as possible. If you admit your mistake at this time, your wife will be happy to express her understanding. If you treat sexual contact as a cure-all for all ailments and keep doing the same thing again and again, it won't be long before your wife stops doing this and becomes completely disgusted with you. By that time, it will be too late to fix some things.

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