Zhang Moumou, a man born in the 1970s with a small and successful career, often carries an Armani men's bag. When he is too tired from work, he thinks about going to Hong Kong for vacation. From the first love to the present day, there has been a revolving door of "girlfriends" changing. I go home to sleep after get off work every day, and then wait for a call from a group of single friends at 10 o'clock at night, and go to Kundu and Cuihu to look for "prey".

Late at night, take a female friend you are interested in home from a bustling place, or book a hotel room. "Never kiss!" This is his so-called habit of being loyal to love.

Is he happy? "Actually, when you hurt others, you hurt yourself the most!" This is his helpless evaluation of his own state.

“Unmarried people enjoy the benefits of being married!” is a joke with profound connotations. During the day, you devote yourself to work, and at night, you become a single aristocrat and enjoy the dual freedom of life and sex. In Kunming, how many men and women are getting farther and farther away from marriage?

On July 19, 2011, at the "Harmonious Family Forum in Chinese Society and the Ninth National Academic Symposium on Family Issues" organized by the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation, Chen Yaya, an assistant researcher at the Institute of Literature of the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, wrote in her paper The "Investigation on the Living Conditions of Urban Single Women" pointed out that the fourth wave of singles has appeared since the founding of New China, and the number of people actively "running for singles" has increased significantly, and the openness of their sexual concepts is one of the main reasons.

This makes people wonder whether the "fourth wave of singles" is really coming.

Single women: Reality is more important than feelings

There have been several waves of singles in mainland China. The first time was in the 1950s, influenced by the first "Marriage Law"; In the late 1970s, educated youths divorced one after another in order to return to the city, triggering the second wave of singles; since the 1990s, reform and opening up triggered changes in traditional family concepts, and the third wave of singles came; by the end of the 20th century, with the economic With the rapid development of society and the improvement of women’s awareness of autonomy, the fourth wave of singles is gradually emerging. Today, this wave is even more obvious.

“From the first ‘singles wave’ in the 1950s to the present, this trend has broken out almost every 20 years.” Gao Jun, director of the Kunming Academy of Social Sciences, noted that the past “single wave” "Tide" always breaks out in stages under a special social background, but this time the single wave may last longer, and more and more people will join the ranks of singles.

Different from the past, this wave of singles is mainly concentrated in educated and financially powerful white-collar workers, especially women. This group’s views on mate selection, marriage, and family have changed. You can actively choose to be single in order to enjoy life.

“With the improvement of women’s social status, more and more women are beginning to believe that marriage is not the only choice in life. Marriage is possible, but marriage is not a necessity. If it is not suitable, being single will be more difficult than getting married. OK."

With the rapid development of cities, people continue to accept new things from the outside, and while opening up, they are increasingly closing themselves off. Especially white-collar workers with high work pressure and high academic qualifications have no time or opportunity to consider the issue of mate selection, especially women.

One of the characteristics of modern society is "fast food", and one of the characteristics of fast food is impetuousness. Everyone has a large circle of communication and deals with different people every day, but for everyone A person lacks the necessary patience, always chooses a partner quickly with clear goals, and lacks enough patience to cultivate feelings.

Freedom is the business card of being single

The business card of 30-year-old Lu Wen is the chief planner of a real estate planning company in Kunming. Her harsh comments about the relationship between men and women, and her ability to The free and easy attitude of backpacking makes it easy for people to guess that she is single.

"Actually, I do things very planned." Lu Wen said. A few years ago, she planned to reach a certain position in her workplace before she was 30 years old, have a child before she was 35 years old, quit her job when she was 40 years old, and then travel around. In her life plan, there is no trace of men.

“Why do two people have to live life together? Life belongs to oneself. No matter how good two people are, there will always be times when they are out of sync and there will be friction. I don’t like quarreling. This is a negative thought. ." Lu Wen said.

Single men: Being single is conducive to career development

While more and more women are actively or passively choosing to be single, more and more men are also beginning to actively choose to pursue their careers. single life.

Nobel Prize winner Gary S. Becker said: "When the expected benefits of 'partnership' exceed the costs of remaining single or continuing to find a spouse, individuals will choose to get married." So, when Will individuals choose to remain single when the expected benefits of 'partnership' are less than the costs of remaining single or continuing to find a spouse? Of course, when people choose marriage, they do not calculate the costs and benefits so rationally.

In modern society, "it is obvious that the pressure of work and life leads people to choose to be single." Marriage means buying a house, buying a car, having children, and living a happy life. This kind of financial pressure is more specific than the pressure of social judgment. Much more. This is like venture capital. Everyone is calculating the costs and benefits, whether they can bear the pressure of marriage, and what they will lose compared with the current quality of life.

"So some people don't dare to get married, and some people think that as long as they can live a good life, they would rather give up marriage." Getting married is a beautiful idea. "I have planned many times when I will get married, but every time I plan It failed, so getting married is just a beautiful idea." 37-year-old Zhang Moumou said mockingly. In fact, there are many people around him who want to go to the marriage hall with him. In Zhang Hong's words, as long as he is willing, he can get married soon.

Zhang Hong does not think of himself as a "Diamond King", although he holds a high position in a state-owned enterprise, has a large house in a downtown area, and has a car of his own. 3 years ago The annual pocket money can reach hundreds of thousands, and the reason why I didn't get married was because I didn't meet the "right one". The "four good" women are Zhang Hong's ideal partner, that is, "good looks, good education, good temperament, and good work." Although friends around him advise Zhang Hong to lower his requirements appropriately, he feels that his requirements are very ordinary.

Although there is almost no time alone every day, Zhang Hong does not deny that in his heart, he actually hopes to have a stable life. After get off work, he can go home and eat the food cooked by his partner, and can be together after meals. Take a walk around the neighborhood. "The ancients were right in saying, 'To start a family, start a career.' People should start a family first and then start a career."

Zhang Hong lamented that he made a wrong step on the issue of starting a family and started a career. When he was young, he focused on work and neglected Marriage, now that he is single, he has to spend more time and energy looking for a girlfriend, and his work has begun to stagnate. "What I want to do now is to solve personal problems first, and work is secondary. Let's work hard when we have the opportunity in the future!"

Analysis: Open sexual concept is one of the main reasons

Psychological Researcher Liu Chengzhe said: The openness of sexual concepts and the wavering of traditional family concepts have a lot to do with the "single wave". In a sense, sex is people's physiological needs, and marriage is people's social needs, but sex is marriage. The most important thing is that sexual life satisfaction is positively correlated with marital satisfaction.

Most people have sexual needs since adolescence. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, people's physiological needs include sexual needs. As a complete person, if you want to have a good In order to achieve psychological development, this basic need must be satisfied gradually.

People have sexual needs and will naturally seek to satisfy them. However, social norms will restrict, standardize and set boundaries on people's psychology and behavior. For example, in the old society, social laws and norms recognized that men and women aged sixteen or seventeen could get married. Many people would choose to get married at that age. Now social laws The norm is that you can only get married when you are around 22 years old (see the provisions of the Marriage Law). Many people will use this age as the dividing line and consciously or unconsciously look for a marriage partner.

Some people remain single and have sexual partners around them. This is the result of seeking compromise and balance after the conflict between human animal nature and social nature. Animal nature tends to make people have sexual needs. There is no restriction to satisfy it, but sociality requires people to take responsibility under social norms or enter into marriage before engaging in sexual satisfaction activities.

Sex is the most important part of marriage, but sex cannot replace marriage itself. In today's era of diverse values, people have the freedom to choose between marriage and singleness. You can choose to be single and stay safe, or you can choose to be single and have a sex life, but you must take responsibility for your own choices.

The latest research on singleness and healthy lifespan shows that under basically the same conditions, the lifespan of a single woman is 7-15 years shorter than that of a married woman; and the lifespan of a single man is 8-17 years shorter than that of a married man. age.

Martin, the father of positive psychology? Seligman's research on happiness (more than 30 years ago) also pointed out: A good marriage has a very strong relationship with happiness. Sex life of unmarried cohabitation may bring happiness in a culture that values ​​individualism (such as the United States). , but in cultures with a tradition of focusing on collectivism (such as China and Japan), it is more likely to fail to bring happiness.

From a sociological perspective, the current social order is in a pluralistic period of conflict and disorder. The degree of tolerance is constantly increasing, and the values ​​​​of marriage are also diversified. This makes people's views on sex and marriage more complex. Choices have increased and perceptions have changed. This means that people can choose to marry early, have a trial marriage, marry late, or not marry at all.

When social norms allow people to obtain sexual satisfaction outside of marriage, people can meet their physiological needs without marriage. From the perspective of individual intrinsic needs, since society allows individuals to have a variety of choices, people will weigh various possibilities and find a balance between physiological needs and social needs, and find a way to satisfy them.

Adults can have sexual partners but not get married, they can have sex that is not related to marriage, and they can also maintain a marriage that is not related to sex. This phenomenon will continue and even intensify.

Seriously, if this kind of sex that has nothing to do with marriage is combined with public power and spreads among officials in the government authority system, it will not only set a negative example, but also seriously affect the social moral order. and ethical norms, shaking the legitimacy of government authority.

The openness of sexual concepts may have a great impact on individuals' pursuit of marriage and the stability of marriage. If a person regards sex as a very casual thing, then the sense of sanctity, dignity and commitment of marriage will be reduced, and problems such as the breakdown of marital loyalty and marital conflicts will break out.

Among the clients that Liu Chengzhe has received in marriage and family therapy, there is a prominent phenomenon: the more premarital sex a person has with sexual partners, the less likely he/she will be to the degree of loyalty and commitment to the marriage. The lower it is, the lower the stability of the marriage.

In fact, both parties in a marriage will not be as tolerant, generous and open to each other's premarital sexual behavior as they verbally express. Instead, they have internal knots and how to resolve them.