Marriage is an "unlimited liability company"

The incident of Zhang Guoli's son Zhang Mo being detained for taking drugs is gradually fading out of the public eye, but it still makes Ms. Zhuang's heart uneasy. Her marriage to her husband is about to come to an end, and Ms. Zhuang has been unable to make up her mind to divorce because she is worried that her still-young son will be injured and become the replica of Zhang Mo when he grows up. How to prevent children's hearts from being hurt and to grow up healthily may be the issue that many "existing" or "to-be" single mothers and fathers are most concerned about.

[Event Replay]

On January 31, Zhang Mo was arrested by the Beijing police for smoking marijuana. After the incident, his father Zhang Guoli became his son's spokesperson and issued statements constantly pleading with the public and the media to give Zhang Mo a chance to change his ways.

Zhang Mo is the child of Zhang Guoli and his ex-wife. When the two agreed to divorce, their 6-year-old son Zhang Mo was raised by Zhang Guoli. At that time, Zhang Guoli was starting a business in Beijing, so he asked his ex-wife to take care of his son temporarily. Zhang Guoli then married Deng Jie. For the sake of family harmony, Deng Jie reached an "agreement" with Zhang Guoli and never had children. Zhang Mo lives with his mother. Since his mother also works and sometimes has no time to take care of his son, Zhang Mo's character gradually becomes introverted, withdrawn and does not like to communicate with others. Zhang Mo has been in trouble since he was admitted to the National Theater Academy. He once beat his girlfriend, nursery rhyme. Afterwards, Zhang Mo was not only expelled from the Chinese Theater Academy, but also became a "celebrity" on major websites and newspapers. After entering the entertainment industry, people who have worked with him commented that Zhang Mo, who is nearly 30 years old, seems to have never gotten out of his rebellious period.

【Family disharmony, why are children prone to rebellion? ]

Wei Zhizhong, a national second-level psychological counselor and researcher at the Modern Psychology Research Center of Wuhan University, said in an interview with reporters that each of us is accompanied by "separation" throughout our lives, the separation from the mother's womb at birth. The separation from the mother's breast when weaning, the separation from the parents when going to school, not to mention the separation when the parents divorce... When these separations occur, the child is often still in infancy or adolescence, a critical period of psychological development and growth, and it is easy for the child to suffer If separation anxiety occurs, if it is not handled well, the child will become more rebellious and even develop a pathological personality.

In some families where couples still live together, but are emotionally discordant, quarreling or having cold wars, children who have been exposed to conflicts for a long time are prone to develop rebellious and aggressive personalities.

This kind of aggression includes attacking others as well as attacking yourself. Attacking oneself includes physically abusing oneself, burning cigarette butts on the body, pulling hair, and even committing suicide. It also includes abandoning oneself in life and deliberately living a bad life, so as to make the "other party" or "the abandoner of the family" (such as actively The father or mother who filed for divorce) feels guilty, self-blame, and regretful.

When these children grow up, some of them may be gentle and polite to outsiders, but often use harsh words and punches towards their relatives or close friends. In fact, the people he attacks are all people within 3 meters of him. They are part of himself and are still attacking him.

Part of their rebelliousness is the consequence of aggression, and part of it is that they deliberately create trouble to attract the attention of "relevant people". Take Zhang Mo as an example. When his parents divorced, in the young Zhang Mo's mind, Zhang Guoli was the abandoner of the family. After growing up, every time Zhang Mo got into trouble, Zhang Guoli came out to apologize, which was equivalent to declaring to the public "I am Zhang Mo's father and he is my son" every time. Subconsciously, Zhang Mo may have enjoyed this process, which allowed him to gain some kind of compensation in his heart. It can also be understood as the process of a child playing tricks on an adult, but this is not at the conscious level, but an unconscious behavior without even knowing it.

[The family is an "unlimited liability company". After disintegration, it should...]

The couple really can't survive. How to break up so that the children will not be hurt, or be less hurt. ? Wei Zhizhong said that if marriage is compared to a company, it should be an unlimited liability company. Unlike a limited liability company, even after the company is dissolved, the company's liabilities and other subsequent issues still need to be dealt with. Children are like the company's previous products or employees. When disbanding, both shareholders must negotiate how to properly resolve the issue.

In reality, many couples who get divorced feel that it is just a matter between adults and there is no need to tell their children (especially young children, who feel that they will not understand if they are told), and they do not care about their children's feelings. Inadvertently, It will cause psychological harm to the child. For example, the child may feel guilty, wondering whether my parents divorced because of my bad behavior; or the child may think that he or she has been abandoned by his or her father.

No matter how young the child is, parents should calmly tell him or her, "Mom and dad will no longer live together, but I am still your dad (or mom) and will always love you. We are not separated." It’s not your fault, it’s not your parents’ fault, etc.” After this, neither party should show dissatisfaction or complaint in front of the children, let alone let the children hate the other party with you. Doing this is very difficult for many people. Some people still find it difficult to let go of their spouses and even harbor deep resentment after being separated from their spouses for many years. Wei Zhizhong, in this case, you can first try to solve the problem on your own, and if it doesn't work, you can ask relatives and friends for help. If it doesn't work, you can ask a psychological counselor for help, so that you can truly have no resentment in your heart and let go of the other person. Only in this way can we have a good attitude to face the future life, which is most beneficial to the spiritual growth of children.

After parents divorce, no matter how well they handle it, children will inevitably have psychological effects, such as becoming unhappy and unsociable. Parents should pay attention to these changes and take their children to see a psychologist if necessary. . For children from single-parent families, adolescence will be another critical period of psychological development. Parents should also pay attention to their children's changes and spend more love and patience with him or her.

Of course, after a new family member joins, the stepfather or stepmother also has the responsibility to get to know and take care of the child, and learn to get along with the child. Because you are a new shareholder, remarriage already represents your commitment to be responsible for the "products" of your past company, regardless of whether there is a written agreement or not.