"Son-in-law" means that after marriage, the man settles in the woman's home, and the children inherit the woman's family name from the woman's surname. In the traditional concept, the "home son-in-law" is a very uncomfortable and discriminated role. Have these traditional concepts changed today?

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The male self-esteem that cannot be let go

In a village in Chengguan Town, Debao County, the author saw Awu weeding in the cornfield. The sun is scorching hot in Debao in May, and the sound of crops jointing in the fields can be heard in the breeze. Awu has been working with his wife, father-in-law and mother-in-law with their heads down. When he saw the author, Awu put down his hoe and briefly introduced the author to his father-in-law and mother-in-law. After that, he kept busy with his work and motioned to the author to wait while working. At around 12 o'clock at noon, everyone else went back. After confirming that everything was safe, Awu smiled awkwardly and sat down with the author on the field ridge to chat.

Awu comes from a remote rural area and has been working in Shanghai after graduating from junior high school. Later he met his current wife and the two of them have a very good relationship. My wife lives in Yunti Village, Chengguan Town, Debao County, and her family is fairly well off. Since my wife's family is full of girls, she is the eldest child in the family, so the two young people encountered troubles regarding their marriage. The future father-in-law and mother-in-law were very determined and hoped that he would come to the house to continue the incense of the wife's family. "I was very distressed at the time. My friends all advised me to think carefully. Being a 'home son-in-law' is a very shameful thing. I also heard that it is not easy to be a 'home son-in-law' and you will often get angry." Awu said. In fact, Awu had a brief hesitation. No matter where he is, the price of being a "son-in-law" includes the child taking his wife's surname, losing the control of the family economy, obeying the arrangements of the woman's parents, and the possibility of strange looks from around him. At that time, Awu even backed down. In his opinion, being a "home son-in-law" hurts a man's self-esteem, but what he was most worried about was other people's gossip. In the end, he became a "home son-in-law." He admitted that even though he knew his self-esteem was damaged, he still gave himself a grand and firm reason: This is a new era, maybe the problem is not as serious as he thought, maybe he is simply leading the trend, not to mention his There are many brothers and sisters in his family. After his brothers and sisters got married, his poor and elderly parents were no longer able to handle life-long affairs for him. After marriage, Awu became an "official villager" in the village, but he still could not get rid of the label of "home son-in-law". Although his wife always tried to understand her husband's inner inferiority complex, the strange eyes of others and a man were damaged. My self-esteem is like a drop of water on a face towel, spreading silently and quickly.

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Traditional shackles have not yet been released

No matter what the original intention is, when the man shows open and accessible emotions, the woman always adheres to certain unchanging principles and does not seem to have any requirements for a "son-in-law" What a fundamental change. Over the years, Awu has never spent a night outside except when he went back to his "parent's home". Even if he went back to his "parent's home", he had to go back only for weddings and weddings. People at home would not allow him to go back during the holidays. Therefore, every time we return to our "natal home", it is a process of returning happily and sadly. One year before the Spring Festival, he and his wife went back to their "natal home" to visit their sick mother. At that time, his mother was already very weak and relied on others to take care of her daily meals. Perhaps this was her last Spring Festival. Awu asked to spend the Spring Festival with his mother at his "parent's house" on the evening of the 30th, and then rush back to his husband's house on the morning of the first day of the Lunar New Year, but his wife refused, saying it was impossible, and his father-in-law even hung up the phone and came over to scold her. Fortunately, Awu's mother was also considerate of her son and told him: "When you come to the door, you will be a member of that family. In addition, in rural areas, New Year's Eve is particularly important. You don't have to worry about me. Just spend the New Year at your 'law's house' with peace of mind. Come back on the second day of the Lunar New Year." Look at me." Awu said that he felt very uncomfortable when he heard this. If the children were not around, he would turn around and cry.

Awu told the author that every "home son-in-law" will experience "two fears." First, you are afraid that others will say you are a "son-in-law who comes to your home." And when your child is born, you are also afraid that others will ask you for your child's name. After eight years of marriage, Awu’s conclusion was a bit feudal but seemed to hit the mark, “Actually, we are more accustomed to families with strong male dominance.” In October 2004, his wife gave birth to a boy. When registering the child, Awu tried to The wife changed the child's surname to his, but the father-in-law and mother-in-law firmly disagreed. When the quarrel was at its worst, his father-in-law and mother-in-law said, "I'll give you your last name. Why do we need you to come to our house?" The scolding left Ah Wu speechless. Although he had advertised himself as a "new trend and new concept" when he decided to become a "door-to-door son-in-law", Awu now discovered that the so-called new concept was actually very fragile, and the traditional male dignity deep in his heart could not be eradicated. After calming down, Awu began to reflect on himself, "I thought I could do it at first, but in fact I was just deceiving myself." In the end, the conflict ended with a compromise between the two parties, with the parents' surnames combined into a compound surname, with his wife's family name in the front and Awu's last name in the back.

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The form of marriage is not important, the most important thing is to manage it carefully

During the interview, the author found that there are two main factors for the existence of "inverted marriage". On the one hand, with the full implementation of the family planning policy, more and more families have only one child. Parents with traditional ideas always hope to recruit "son-in-laws" for their daughters to carry on the family line. On the other hand, because our country’s pension system is not yet complete, “inverted marriage” not only plays a role in continuing the family line, but also fulfills the responsibility of providing for the elderly until they die. The main reason for the conflict of "inside-the-door marriage" is the question of who has the dominant position in the family. If the father-in-law wants to maintain his dignity as the head of the family, and the son-in-law wants to challenge this dignity and become the head of the family, family conflicts will inevitably occur. The wife caught in the middle will inevitably side with family ties, thus laying the foundation for disharmony and discord in the marriage. Unequal feelings.

In fact, whether it is "stepping in the door" or other marriage methods, the final consideration of both parties to the marriage should be how to run a good family. The form of marriage is not important. The most important thing is that every family member must manage this life carefully. "Son-in-law" Li Chengzhong said: "Nowadays, there are more only children. Whether a man comes to the woman's house or a woman marries into the man's house, there are no status or face issues in cities and towns anymore. What's more important is that The most important thing is how to handle the relationship with everyone, but in order to minimize conflicts and frictions, it is best to live separately from your parents." Liang Fengyuan, a rural girl, said: "My family lives in a rural area, and my family is full of girls. I am the eldest in the family. Finding a "home son-in-law" is an inevitable choice. In fact, being a "home son-in-law" does not mean that you have no status or dignity. Looking down on you means looking down on your own daughter. It is undeniable that some of the "home sons-in-law" must be affectionate and loving. If you can't survive and break up, this is the same as other types of marriages. First, the mentality of the 'son-in-law', and secondly, the pressure from the woman's family on the 'son-in-law'. These two aspects are the key to the direction of the marriage. ”

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