"New York Times" special correspondent Elizabeth Weir and writer and surfer Dan have known each other for 11 years and been married for 9 years. They have stable jobs, the mortgage has been paid off, their daughters have grown up, but the marriage has lost its passion. The flaws of both parties It seems increasingly intolerable. Can this marriage regain its passion?

After conducting the experiment for a period of time, the couple found that the quality of their marriage had improved significantly. Elizabeth Weir has written about this experience in a book, "No Cheating, NoDying," which will be published soon. Recently, Elizabeth Weir accepted an exclusive interview with "The Bund Illustrated" and talked about the difficult experience of the couple's marriage. She said, "A good marriage is one that allows both parties to grow and gives them the ability and courage to face the world."

When marriage problems arise, the couple must negotiate to resolve them

In an exclusive interview with "The Bund Illustrated", American writer and "New York Times" special correspondent Elizabeth Weir said straight to the point: "My married life is pretty good, but I think it needs to be improved because my husband does a lot of things that make me physically and mentally exhausted. To give a simple example: last spring, he was tinkering in the basement and using a cutting machine to cut a frozen pig head into small pieces. , to put in a small jar for storage. Of course, there are many things about me that drive him crazy. For example, I hate French kissing; I often reject Dan's suggestions without thinking; I will pretend to sleep when Dan vomits in the middle of the night. Dan was more aggressive than I was. I remember him threatening to beat the shit out of my brother at a family gathering at our country house in Maine. But overall our marriage was great."

In this case, what prompted the Elizabeths to conduct an improvement experiment on their "overall good" marriage?

Decided

One night, while lying in bed, Elizabeth suddenly had an idea: to improve her marriage to Dan.

Elizabeth told "The Bund Illustrated" that after marriage, she fulfilled her responsibilities, whether it was work, social interaction, exercise or the extremely troublesome childbirth. The same goes for my husband, Dan, who actively learns new skills and is so tireless that “it’s like asking for trouble.” In nine years of marriage, Dan turned himself into a skilled carpenter, a superb cook, and a tireless athlete. Now he is reading load-training manuals from the former Soviet Union, hoping to transform his 41-year-old body into a strong teenage physique.

Sadly, Dan thought that his various measures were good medicine to improve his marriage, but he did not know that they were "unpleasant" to Elizabeth. Despite their efforts, the couple's intimacy evaporated.

Elizabeth said: "Why are we so passive in our lives? What are we afraid of losing? I want to know why."

That night, Elizabeth told Dan her thoughts: "Our married life Just like ocean waves, the shape and direction are determined by the undercurrent under the sea." After taking a breath and observing the other person's expression, Elizabeth continued: "Do you remember, I met you on the third day after I moved to San Francisco. . Do you remember what you were like back then? You were a handsome surfer and a writer. 11 years later, we have two children, two jobs, and a house. Has their life really become a stagnant water?"

After some heart-to-heart discussions, the couple unanimously decided to start improving their marriage while it was still strong. They also agreed that now is the time, otherwise there would be no such store after passing this village. Their two daughters, aged 4 and 7, no longer require full-time care; the couple's jobs are on track and are generally stable; the mortgage on the house has been paid off.

Elizabeth began to read a lot of psychology books and found that her ideas were universal phenomena. "Clinical Psychology" says that the average couple has been in discord for almost six years before seeking marital therapy for the first time.

Marriage Status

Dan expressed doubts about his wife's proposal. He quoted a California proverb: If you want to have sex in the woods, you'd better be mentally prepared because you might scare the snakes out of hiding.

On July 1, 2000, Elizabeth and Dan were married in California. Dan was 32 and Elizabeth was 30. Both parents' marriages lasted more than 40 years. Dan grew up in Berkeley, California, where his parents indulged in a romantic relationship that left Dan feeling neglected. When Dan was in high school, girls wouldn't talk to him. Dan asked his mother for advice. She said Dan was so handsome that girls were too shy to talk to him. Elizabeth's parents raised three children in Massachusetts. Because they were busy making ends meet, they had no chance to express their private emotions as a couple.

After the wedding, the couple thought that the possible problems between them might be lack of money and inconsistent religious beliefs (Elizabeth is Jewish and Dan is Christian). Later life proved that neither was a problem. They established a 21st-century companionate marriage: Dan and Elizabeth were not only financial partners, lovers, co-parents, and best friends, they were also each other's work assistants, editors, and first readers.

A difficult beginning

What should a good marriage look like? More interesting conversations? More intense sex?

Harry Reese, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, compared the current interpretations of marriage relationships to "blind men touching an elephant": Although everyone's touch on the elephant is correct, no one is correct. One knows what the whole elephant is like. In the end, Dan and Elizabeth came to an agreement: they firmly believed that through experimentation and exploration, a better marriage and measurement would emerge. They began to use Dr. Javier Hendricks's authoritative book "Getting the Love You Want" to concretely improve their marriage.

Elizabeth and Dan began their first project: making a list of characteristics about yourself that “you would like your partner to praise but that they never praise.” Elizabeth told Outer Banks that although Dan always looked forward to her comments, she was terrible at giving him compliments. Step one, please complete the following sentence in as many ways as possible: "I feel loved and cared for when you..."

Dan quickly wrote: "Kiss me; tidy up Kitchen; said I looked strong."

Psychologist Mike Vincent Miller's portrait of marriage in Intimate Terrorism: The Crisis of Love in the Age of Disillusionment is spot-on. He believes that marriage is a mockery of "the most beautiful dream" because married life is full of flaws, a "cruel competition of whose needs can be met" and "two people trying to be emotionally and psychologically satisfied, but In the end, only one person can be satisfied.” Elizabeth and Dan discovered that they really regarded each other as competitors. "This feeling started not long after we got married. Where to buy a house? How much is enough? Who will take care of the children, who will go to the gym? As the problems were solved, our relationship became a little better. But now This competitive mindset came back between us," Elizabeth recalled.

The second step is to recall the romantic times during the relationship. Complete the following sentence: "I felt loved and cared for when you..." Dan read: "'Look at me provocatively as you walk out.' Are you kidding me? You don't even look at me when you walk out. One glance. You are indifferent to everything except the children."

When Elizabeth heard this, she fell into a low mood: "I always thought that I had tried hard not to become a fool. The transfer of love from the husband to the mother of the child obviously failed me, but Dan also failed to find a balance between the roles of husband and father, but his problem was just the opposite of me. "Elizabeth suddenly realized a fact. : Her favorite books about marriage, such as "About Alice" by Calvin Trellin and "The Year of Wonder" by John Didion, the reason why the marriage in them makes her yearn for it is actually because One of them is dead.

Marriage School

There is a view in American academic circles that couples can definitely get a better marriage through learning. Father Bernard Gurney, Jr., the founder of the marriage education movement, believes in the book "Strengthening Marriage" that the marriage relationship is "similar to the confusion of wanting to play tennis but not knowing how to play. Experts provide treatment like a tennis coach teaching students, although it is time-consuming Effortless, but always good results. ”

Elizabeth and Dan signed up for a 16-hour training course called "Mastering the Secrets of Love." The course teaches students how to engage in "skillful conversation" and similar skills, with the goal of stopping the "see who can win the war of words" that often occurs. From the training content, first one person describes his or her feelings, another person confirms these feelings, and then repeats them word for word.

With soft background music, Elizabeth and Dan sat on the sofa and started their "skilled conversation." Dan imitated Elizabeth's tone: "The noise is really unbearable for me. You'd better keep your home quiet." Elizabeth imitated Dan: "Food is an important part of the family. It is a source of health and happiness. It can make you three times a day. The problem stems from a long-standing point of quarrel between the couple: the division of housework. After their first child, Hannah, was born, Elizabeth and Dan had the same conversation almost every night: Do you want to cook or take care of the kids? Dan always chose to cook, and Elizabeth always chose to raise the children. Seven years later, Dan became a "brilliant and profligate" chef, and the couple spent much more than their budget on food. They eat very well. The refrigerator is packed with seasonal produce: homemade pickled salmon filets, organic milk, salted sardines, lettuce, tempeh lemon, parmesan cheese, feta cheese, leeks, garlic, Blue Bottle coffee, and eggs. On weekend nights, Dan would prepare potstickers with salmon, truffle-flavored polenta, and Madeira white wine for Elizabeth. Dan hopes to use cooking to escape from real problems, "What? I'm cooking!" Elizabeth has to take care of a screaming child who is crying for food and worries about the family's financial resources.

Dan's cooking style and the noise he made drove Elizabeth crazy, and she always complained that she wanted a place away from all the noise. Dan also fought back against his wife's dissatisfaction: secretly putting fried pig ears into the salad to make a strange breakfast for her; the children knocked over the flour jar, but he ignored it, and at 6:45 in the morning Make waffles with grapes and champagne.

Elizabeth knew that Dan's love of cooking and obsessive-compulsive disorder were just to relieve his anxiety and try to bring some order to his disordered nerves. Without such an outlet, Dan would almost collapse, and once he did he would lose his temper. In theory, Elizabeth respected his approach and even appreciated the transfer of energy. But when it comes to real life she has to fight.

That afternoon, the couple communicated in this stiff way. This exercise seemed to open Pandora's box, and the situation became increasingly "unpleasant." But at least they realize that the war of words will only add to the pain. Back home that night, their first "night without arguments," Elizabeth told Dan a story from her childhood that she had never told him before because

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