Should the toothpaste be squeezed out from the bottom or randomly? Even small details like this can become the trigger for couples to fall out. The devil is in the details, and the same is true for marriage. Many sworn engagements ended up falling apart after being hammered with the details of life.

More than 90% are caused by details

Professor Liu Shuqian, head of the Guangdong Provincial Family Education Lecture Group, said in an interview that in the divorce consultations he usually contacts, more than 100% Ninety out of ten marriages fail because of details. Even the parties involved admit that these are "little things", but it is these little things that cause the marriage to break up. The top "little things" that lead to the breakdown of a marriage include: problems with children's education, problems with getting along with other family members, problems with external interpersonal relationships, problems with personal living habits, problems with attitudes towards money...

“What is marriage? We try our best to maintain it, as if this can prove something, and it seems that we can get some kind of spiritual peace and behavioral support from it. However, under this contract, there are There are so many invisible undercurrents and whirlpools." A woman who encountered difficulties in her marriage said in a letter to an emotional column. And it is those trivial details that cause the undercurrents and whirlpools of most marriages. For example, a couple divorced just because the man was not used to doing housework and the woman was used to eating snacks in bed; there was also a divorced couple just because the woman thought the man should buy her underwear, and the man thought the woman should buy her underwear. He shines his shoes; another reason is more "exaggerated", just because when frying tomatoes and eggs, the woman insists on adding salt, and the man insists on adding sugar. As a result, there will inevitably be a big quarrel every time when cooking this dish. It is often the details that make love happen, but it is also the details that destroy a marriage.

A divorced woman’s “accusation” of details

No two leaves in the world are exactly the same, and everyone knows this. But what people don’t understand is how can details destroy the indestructible building of marriage? A divorced female friend answered this question. She said: "Life is made up of details. Earth-shattering events are rare in a lifetime. It is the trivial things that affect your mood every day." Can you talk about how these small things cause harm? This female friend gave an example: "I think we should hire a nanny at home, but he says it's not safe to hire a nanny; I say there should be more warm colors in the home, but he says it's girly; I say I need to put the book back on the shelf after reading it, but he's used to it. Put books everywhere; I said that I should dress neatly when going out to eat, but he said that I was unnecessary; I said that I should go to the movies every half month, and he said that just watch the DVD at home; I said that I should finish the housework before resting, and he said It’s okay to do housework again the next morning; I said that the children should be taken care of by themselves, but he said that it would be fine to send them back to the countryside and be taken care of by the elderly; I said that one shouldn’t use foul language in front of the children, but he thought it was nothing; I said that there should be more children We went out to gain experience, but he said it was better to stay at home because there were many germs outside... In short, we had arguments every day, and sometimes we couldn't bear to have a big fight. Over time, we both got tired of it," the female friend told the reporter. Before the official divorce, the couple tried to divorce, separated from each other, and then began to miss each other like crazy, and then got entangled again, but soon they were pricked by thorns on each other's body, and then separated again, and so on. After many attempts, I finally decided to divorce. She said: "Although I have to go through the heartbreaking pain of divorce, and although I have to take care of the children alone after the divorce, I still prefer to live the life I have now." After the divorce, there was distance, but now I only see (or feel) ) The good things about the other person, isn’t this a good thing for two people?

Marriage is most afraid of "going up and down"

Why can details destroy a marriage? An emotional expert pointed out that this is because the parties concerned are prone to the problem of "going above the line". In the final analysis, it is a question of "who loves whom more" and "who has the final say in this family", so it is better to put more emphasis on cooking. Whether to add less salt or less salt is not a "little thing" about taste differences, but a big issue of principle about who should accommodate whom. When many people encounter such "little things", they will have this thought in their minds: "He/She" Still doesn’t love me, otherwise he/she will definitely let me go.”

In addition, the deeper social reason is that people with higher education have higher requirements for the quality of marriage day by day. They understand that marriage is not just about keeping a marriage contract, but also about a harmonious and happy life within marriage. However, this newly awakened "request" has not been well guided and standardized, and it is not known what the appropriate scale is, so it is easy to "excessive" demands, which may lead to divorce.

■Experts say this

Insufficient understanding before marriage is the key

Professor Liu Shuqian said that the reason why details can ruin a marriage is mainly because both parties do not understand enough before marriage, the marriage foundation is weak, and the social atmosphere is open and everyone faces The temptation is also great, so there are more cases of divorce due to "trivial matters" after marriage. Liu Shuqian pointed out that there is still a lack of marriage and emotional education in China. Many people have not received relevant education from primary school to university. College students have too little exposure to, let alone experience, love, marriage, love and sex education. Therefore, marriage is often blind and impulsive. Although some movies and magazines also convey these aspects, they are all fragmented and case-by-case, and there is no systematic theoretical integration, so there is a lack of guiding significance. However, in Western countries, There are specialized courses and tutors who talk to students about marriage and family.

Liu Shuqian said that when encountering details that test marriage, there are three "marriage rules" to abide by:

First, don't try to change the other person.

First of all, it is difficult for adults to change; secondly, to a certain extent, if you want to change the other person, it means that you don't love the other person.

Second, help the other party improve.

Promotion is not the same as change. Promotion is about creating conditions for the other party to spontaneously become better. The premise of helping the other person improve is: I do it because I love him, not for my own convenience or my own fear.

Third, we must manage our marriage carefully.

Every detail of life, including sex, should be managed well.

　■Link

In order to avoid detailed collisions in life after marriage, the "New York Times" once issued a list of "15 questions you must ask before marriage" listed by marriage experts. Experts believe that these questions Technically eliminates more than 90% of marital pain. These questions are suitable for everyone to read.

1. Do we want children? If so, who is primarily responsible?

2. What are our earning capabilities and goals? Will the concept of consumption and saving conflict?

3. How to maintain our family? Who will control possible risks?

4. Have we exchanged detailed medical histories of both parties? Including mentally?

5. Does our parents’ attitude meet our expectations? Will it give enough blessings?

6. Do we speak naturally and honestly about our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7. Can a TV be placed in the bedroom?

8. Can we really listen to each other and treat each other’s ideas and complaints fairly?

9. Do we clearly understand each other’s spiritual needs and beliefs? Do we discuss our children’s future faith?

10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11. Can we value and respect each other’s parents? Have we considered that our parents might interfere with our relationships?

12. What troubles you most about my family?

13. What is something we will never give up because of marriage?

14. If one of us needs to leave his family’s hometown to accompany the other to work in other places, can we do it?

15. Do we have the confidence to face any challenges and keep our marriage moving forward?

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