American writer Sheila Heen provides a few steps to teach everyone how to have a good argument: 1. Don’t argue about who is right and who is wrong

“You said you would pay the electric bill. Are you done?" the wife asked her husband sternly, although she had long known that her husband had completely forgotten about it. She was very sure in her heart that she was right, and it was not just about this. When she saw that her husband had made a mess at home, never liked to take a bath, ate junk food in front of the children every day, and always had a bad habit every time he drove. Speeding, she knew that in these things, she was right and her husband was wrong. However, the conflict is that his husband also thinks that he is right. Because he thinks that paying the electricity bill is nothing more than a trivial matter; he doesn’t like bathing, and his wife knew it before they got married; he blames him for driving too fast, just because his wife can’t bear to let others control the speed. Moreover, he often helped wash dishes and take out the trash, but his wife never thanked him.

Conflict in marriage is often not caused by one person being right and the other being wrong. Many couples are not thinking about the same thing at all when they argue. Therefore, when you quarrel, it is best not to argue about who is right and who is wrong. You have to make sure someone admits their mistake and apologizes before stopping.

2. Examine the real reasons behind the quarrel

"Remember to pay the electricity bill" may seem like a trivial matter to the husband, but to the wife, it represents whether the husband has a sense of responsibility for what he promised and whether he can fulfill his promise. This is what is really noteworthy under the surface of the incident.

However, it is often difficult to change this kind of thing immediately, because these behaviors and habits have been deeply rooted in the family of origin and have been brought into your relationship. Research by psychologist Gottman found that two-thirds of the quarrels between couples are actually "unsolvable" because this comes from the differences in their growth backgrounds. Among the couples Gottman studied, when he was interviewed again four years after the first interview, he found that 69% of the reasons for fighting were still the same as four years ago.

So, what should we do now? Prince Charming turned out to be a frog, and no matter how hard we try, we can’t turn him into a prince. Should we get divorced? Well, marriage experts don’t suggest this, at least not the only one. solution. Because your next marriage may encounter the same situation, and it may not be better than this one.

American interpersonal communication writer Sheila Heen suggests that you listen carefully to the voices of old couples who are entering into golden, silver or diamond weddings and see how they tolerate and compromise with each other: "Zhiwen is always late, so An "Qi must drive by herself when something important happens." "Jia Bao always likes to invite friends to his home for dinner, but Yi Ting would rather rest quietly at night, so the two of them compromised, as long as Jiabao is willing to cook and entertain (Jia Bao usually doesn't) , Yiting has no objection.”

Finding a way to compromise and cooperate based on the differences between two people is one of the things that couples must do if they want to love each other for a lifetime, and it is also a method worth trying. After all, marriage is a lifelong lesson.

3. Avoid blaming each other

Once a quarrel turns into accusations and accusations, the door of communication will be closed, which will also cause great harm to the relationship between the two. As the saying goes, one slap can't make a difference. When two people have a dispute, it's best to admit that the quarrel was caused by both people. You can't just ask the other party to apologize and admit their mistakes. You also have to reflect on yourself. Maybe you fanned the flames and caused the dispute. out of hand. If you two can't reconcile before sunset, you can at least find out where you made mistakes, change your attitude, and prevent the dispute from getting worse.

4. Give both parties a chance to step down

To prevent the war from continuing to expand, the temperature must be lowered and the fire put out before the dispute heats up. In Gottman's research, it was found that happily married couples usually have some methods to reduce each other's anger. These methods include leaving the scene of the dispute for a while or using a pet as a buffer. Usually this requires a sense of humor, such as making faces, sticking out your tongue, telling a few secret jokes that only the two of you understand, and using humor to calm each other down first. Sometimes there is no winner or loser in a quarrel, so if you act like a spoiled brat, maybe you can actually have a fight at the end of the bed, and the more the quarrel becomes, the sweeter it becomes.

This article comes from adult.6kmall.com and is published by netizens. This site only quotes it for reference. It does not mean that this site agrees with the views of the article. If you believe that the content and intellectual property rights of this article infringe upon your interests, please contact us.