When we are in love, we all want to find Mr. Right or Miss Right. However, if we persistently believe that happiness lies in finding the right person, then we may never find our own answer throughout our lives.

On the contrary, if we can understand that happiness lies in inner harmony, and the external world is a manifestation of our own inner world, then we may find that the original answer is beside you, the one who has always been with you. A guarding companion.

One day, in one of my classes, a male student came over excitedly and said that he had made a very important discovery.

What did you find? I asked him.

He replied that he and his girlfriend (also in my class) had just finished the homework I assigned - use 10 adjectives to describe their personalities and find the antonyms of these 10 adjectives, also It is the opposite of your own personality. As a result, he discovered that he was the opposite of his girlfriend's personality, and her girlfriend was the opposite of his personality.

This is really a good discovery, I said to him, do you have any further insights into this discovery?

He said yes. The moment he discovered that the personalities of himself and his girlfriend were opposites, he finally understood that the basis of their love was also the basis of their conflict, that is to say, the basis of their love. The reasons, and the reasons they conflict with, are the same thing.

To be specific, he wanted to find a partner who was different from himself. This was his desire in life, and he really got his wish. At first, he cherished the differences between his girlfriend and himself, but as time went by, he began to get tired of the differences between his girlfriend and himself, and hoped that his girlfriend would change, which resulted in conflicts.

Similarly, the girlfriend also had a similar psychological change, so the conflict became more and more intense.

After talking about this, he felt a little confused: Why did he and his girlfriend fall in love because of their differences?

He was not asking me a question, but thinking deeply, but I couldn't help but answer: Because every life longs for perfection.

Why are there so many annoying "bad people" around us

Each of us has a self-system. In this system, we will think that certain qualities are good and bad. That is, "good me", some qualities are bad, that is, "bad me". We cling to the good self and reject the bad self, not wanting it to manifest itself in us.

For example, frugal people believe that frugality is good and luxury is bad; considerate people believe that it is good to consider others and only consider one's own wishes is bad; cheerful people People believe that optimism is good and sadness is bad...

However, from a truly neutral perspective, these qualities are neither good nor bad. Luxury seems bad, but it is the desire for luxury that creates this kaleidoscope of the world; it seems bad to only think about yourself, but only when a person respects his own wishes will he have strong motivation; sadness seems bad, but sadness is not only It's a bit poetic, and sadness is an inevitable reaction when we lose something...

Furthermore, anyone's self is very limited. To put it bluntly, everyone is in their own family of origin. Developed self-system. In this family, if you can get more love and attention by being frugal, then you will become frugal; if being considerate can make you more popular, then you will form a considerate personality; if sadness will make you If you get more love and affection, you will easily develop a sad personality...

This is persistence and persistence in being good to yourself. At the same time, we also reject the bad self. Frugal people naturally have some resistance to luxury.

However, this must be just a superficial phenomenon. After learning about countless stories, I found that the reason why we stick to the good self and reject the bad self is first of all because of fear. In fact, we still have the desire for the bad self, but we dare not develop these qualities, because we think that only by persisting in the good self can we gain the love and attention of others. If we show the qualities of the bad self, we will Will be alienated, punished or even abandoned.

The above passage can be summarized into three sentences:

1. The qualities we insist on—that is, being good to ourselves—are all to make ourselves better accepted by others. Acceptance;

2. We long for the bad self;

3. We dare not develop the qualities of the bad self because we are afraid that others will not accept us.

${FDPageBreak}

Every life is limited. For example, every family is different, and each of us has developed a set of behaviors in our own family. Unique self-system. Consciously, we think that our set of things is particularly good and we must stick to it, but subconsciously, we long for freedom and perfection, and we long to absorb those different qualities.

For many people, they not only have this desire subconsciously, but also consciously. The specific manifestation is that they appreciate people who are different from themselves and are willing to associate with people who are different from themselves.

But many people are too persistent in their own self-system and will consciously reject people who are different from themselves. However, their subconscious will definitely drive them to get closer to people who are different from themselves. As a result, such people often have a dilemma in interpersonal relationships. They hate a certain person very much, but this kind of person keeps appearing around them.

In fact, the constant presence of such people around him is his subconscious desire and his deeper need, because this kind of people are his new lessons, and they will teach him to learn to accept more things. .

Usually, he will not understand what is going on, so he will fight such people and try to drive them away from him. He can do this, temporarily defeating these people who are different from him. But fundamentally this is useless, and such people will continue to appear.

It can be said that this is a lesson. He can only pass this lesson if he learns to accept these people who are different from himself and learns their qualities to a certain extent. Otherwise, this lesson will continue forever.

If your lover has problems, you still have problems with yourself

My friend M is a very giving person, but he had an unbearable first love. His first girlfriend F was talented, but had an eccentric personality and was extremely selfish, but M just had a soft spot for her. He recalled that when he saw her a little eccentric and proud look, he was moved by her and secretly swore , must conquer her.

His conquest went smoothly because F also had feelings for him. In the early days of their relationship, both of them were very devoted, but as the relationship deepened, M's inner dissatisfaction became stronger and stronger. He found that his girlfriend enjoyed his efforts very much, but she never paid anything, and her demands were getting more and more, as if no matter what he paid for her, it was natural.

After a year of dating, M felt physically and mentally exhausted, and his anger towards F could no longer be contained, so he broke up with F.

When they broke up, M also swore that he would never fall in love with someone like F again, and that he was determined to find someone who was as willing to give as he was.

Fate was very generous to him, and as expected, he then found a girlfriend L, who was more considerate and willing to give than he was.

L's parents were dissatisfied with M and felt that he was not worthy of their daughter. M and L finally came together after a hard battle.

But after getting married, M discovered that this was a more terrifying nightmare, because L’s family seemed to be prosperous but actually had a lot of debts and unknown difficulties. It had to pay off these debts and resolve them. Difficult, he has to work 10 times more than his first love, and there may not be any results. What was particularly painful for him was that he discovered that among his wife L's brothers and sisters, there were many people like F who only took but did not give. No matter what he did to them, they all felt at ease and had no guilt in their hearts.

He also found that his father-in-law was a stronger giver. If M's contribution is 10 points, his father-in-law's contribution can reach 20 points. This made M feel crushed. At the same time, he gradually understood something: the reason why his wife's brothers and sisters became "evil people" and "waste people" who only knew how to take was because of the extreme dedication of his father-in-law.

While chatting with M, I asked M what you learned from these encounters. At first, he replied that the lesson he had learned was that he should divorce his wife, and it was best to live alone for a while before thinking about starting a family again, and he must not find someone like his wife again.

I asked him again, your wife is a giver, and you want to break up with her; your first love girlfriend is a taker, and you have also broken up, so what kind of person should you find? If the taker is not the right girl for you, and neither is the giver, then what kind of person should your right girl be?

It seems that the answer should be a woman who balances taking and giving. However, M seems to feel that he has no feelings for such a woman, and at the same time, he also feels that he cannot attract such a balanced, flexible and relatively healthy woman.

I continued to ask him, if every fate is a lesson, what did you learn from these two lessons?

M said that he has learned lessons. The lesson of his first love is not to find a taker. The lesson of this marriage is not to find an extreme giver...

I reminded him , it sounds like the answer is pinned on others, oh, it turns out that your happiness in life depends on what kind of wife you find. If you find it, you will be OK. If you find the wrong one, you will suffer. And the responsibility for the pain lies not with you but with you. on the other party.

At this time, he understood and said, I have to change myself. I don’t want to continue to be a pure giver, nor a pure taker. I want to learn to balance. Or, I can be a giver or a taker, I can choose.

${FDPageBreak}

If mutual learning fails, love will fail

Who we choose to be with must have this meaning - I I wanted to be like him, or more accurately, I wanted to have some of his qualities.

Specifically in M’s story, he initially chose to fall in love with F because he was super giving and wanted to have the same quality as F—thinking about himself.

Although he learned to win love and attention in a super giving way in his native family, M still has a longing in his heart, longing to sometimes just think about himself. However, he couldn't do this because he would be rejected by his family of origin, so he suppressed this wish. But this desire will not disappear, it is just hidden deep in the subconscious.

When M fell in love with F at first sight, he was attracted by F's eccentricity and pride. The eccentricity and pride actually meant, I don't need to care about you.

Many people’s understanding of others has this hidden meaning - "I have thought so much about you, can you think about it for me." Therefore, understanding people often hesitate when doing things.

F is attracted to M and has the same intention.

This article comes from adult.6kmall.com and is published by netizens. This site only quotes it for reference. It does not mean that this site agrees with the views of the article. If you believe that the content and intellectual property rights of this article infringe upon your interests, please contact us.