I was giving an emotional intelligence lecture with a group of male entrepreneurs. After the end, a male entrepreneur came up and said, "Dr. Zhang, are you still organizing an emotional intelligence winter camp during the winter vacation this year..." Of course, it will be lively at the end of January. Answer with a smile.

He said: "I found that my eleven-year-old son has a lot of problems, and I want you to give him a good training..." As he said that, he took out a birthday card. His birthday was last week, and it was his son. Greeting card for him. I opened it and it read: "Dad, I know you won't be happy on your birthday, so I wish you a happy divorce!"

Oh my God, a very unusual birthday message! I couldn't help but ask, why did my son feel this way?

The father said that in the past two years, the conflict between him and his wife has intensified, and they have quarreled almost every day, and their children have watched it. The couple only focused on quarreling and did not realize that it had a great impact on the child's psychology.

The child became indifferent to his parents, so when he received his card on his birthday, his father was originally full of surprises, but he did not expect that when he opened it, he found such words...

Well, many parents have forgotten that their own words and deeds are the most vivid textbooks for their children. If the relationship between the sexes is not handled well, it will not only affect each other's marital feelings, but also harm the children's mental health.

I looked at the anxious father in front of me: "What are you arguing with your wife about?" He replied that it was actually trivial matters in daily life, but because both parties belong to the "volcanic eruption family", Once the anger comes, they vent it out vividly: yelling, yelling, and saying evil things... because they have heard that keeping anger in the heart will make people sick, and it is wise to express it.

Well, improper handling of anger is indeed a high-risk flashpoint for family conflicts and a source of imitation of children's poor emotional reactions.

If you are angry, should you vent it?

In fact, the practice of "venting your anger out" will not make you or I really feel relieved, but will make you more angry.

This is because your and my emotional reactions will form behavioral inertia and create unbreakable neural connections in the brain. Somewhat difficult to understand? Haha, let me explain it to you in detail.

For example, if someone speaks rudely to you and you feel angry, and then you decide to curse, a connection will be formed in your brain (being scolded → talking back). If you decide to fight back, another link will appear. Neural connection (being scolded → hitting someone). When the brain forms such neural connections, it is as if a fast road has been opened. The next time you encounter a similar situation, it will naturally follow this already formed route again.

So, the more you lose your temper, the easier it is to get angry again. And whenever you get angry, your body will secrete many destructive hormones, and the first person to be harmed is actually yourself, haha!

So venting your anger will not help your emotional intelligence at all, it will only make you angrier!

What should we do?

Experts who study anger management believe that when facing anger, the most important thing is not to find ways to eliminate anger or to avoid the displeasure of anger. What you and I should do most is to use our strength to let The anger in your heart becomes your own help, not resistance.

The first step in effective anger management is self-awareness. There are three questions for you and me to think about when we are angry:

(1) How do I feel now? Why do I feel this way?

(2)What is the current anger telling me?

(3) What should I do to achieve my goal?

For example, if you and your significant other have different opinions on trivial matters in life and feel angry, it is definitely unwise to curse and use violence. If you want to change the way you deal with anger, you can follow the three questions above Let’s think about it:

(1) "I feel very angry because she shouldn't care about me so much."

(2) "The fact that I am so angry means that I care about whether she respects me."

(3) "My goal is to make her respect my ideas. Yelling will not achieve the goal. I should coax her and tell her gently that I will do this little thing. Just worry about it.”

Managing a marriage is actually managing your mood. When we learn not to get angry randomly, we can successfully manage our moods and create a harmonious family emotional atmosphere. In this way, the child's emotional intelligence will not become a victim of parents' quarrels.

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