A perfect and long-lasting marriage should be a warm pot of essential oil. The keynote is mellow and rich love, which blends respect, understanding, and tolerance, and is dotted with countless tender feelings, making it overflowing with fragrance.

Huang Weiren, a professor at Northwestern University School of Medicine, is known as the "Doctor of Love." In his book "The Secret of Living in Love", he pointed out that the two sexes have different understandings of marriage, which in turn leads to different levels of satisfaction with marriage. Often when the husband rates the satisfaction of his marriage as a 7, the wife only rates it a 2. This is called the "temperature difference" in marriage. "People who are determined to maintain their marriage need to have a more objective understanding of the current marital status. Testing the temperature of the marriage is a good way."

Just like human body temperature, the ideal marriage temperature should be constant at around 37 degrees Celsius. Huang Weiren pointed out that such couples treat each other as guests, respect and love each other, laugh on weekdays, and quarrel when they have different opinions, but they can always find ways to understand each other and resolve conflicts in a reasonable way.

Everyone hopes that love will be vigorous and vigorous. If a marriage is like this and the temperature continues to be high, it will be easy to "fever" and burn each other. Huang Weiren believes that some couples always confront each other head-on. Both of them are very opinionated and say whatever they want. When they quarrel, they are even more emotional and loud. When emotions arise, people will inevitably say angry words. If there is no timely explanation and communication afterwards, it will easily hurt the self-esteem of the partner. Some wives are too clingy and regard their husbands as "private property". They wish they could be together every day and demand to control each other's every move, so that the temperature of the marriage is always at a high point. This kind of dependent psychology just shows that the wife's soul is empty or immature. They hope that the other party can accept them unconditionally anytime, anywhere and put themselves first. But in the adult world, it doesn't work to force the other person in any form to satisfy one's own psychological needs.

And sometimes, the temperature of marriage will drop to freezing point. In such a marriage, the couple will avoid conflicts for a long time, fail to communicate when things happen, and the grudge in their hearts will become deeper and deeper, and finally they will become like "meetings are like ice". There is an old saying in China, "More sorrow is greater than death." Couples avoid conflicts because conflicts will bring pain to both parties. But in the long run, it will take a lot of effort to heal the marriage.

Therefore, in order to maintain a perfect marriage temperature, it is most important to learn and be good at communication. Huang Weiren believes that communication is to express one's own thoughts and learn the other party's thoughts, and cannot be denial or personal attack. For example, if the husband wants to go out for socializing, and the wife is not happy about it, she can complain: "You have been out a lot recently, and we haven't had dinner together for a long time. I feel lonely." This is a complaint, and the wife plainly expresses the trouble caused by her husband's going out. But if the wife angrily says, "You are always like this, just go out and play by yourself." That becomes an accusation. To change your partner's overly sticky state, on the one hand, you must truthfully tell the other person that you need independent space and social activities. An understanding partner will generally accept this. On the other hand, you might as well encourage them to develop their own hobbies and social circles.

In addition, a study by John Gutmann, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, found that men who help their wives wash the dishes and express their feelings have happier marriages and live longer. Although the reason for this study cannot be explained more scientifically at present, one thing can be confirmed. As long as the husband can do this and speak boldly, it will be helpful to the marriage.

Test: What is your "marriage temperature"

Want to know your "marital temperature"? You may wish to take the following test questions. This test was designed by Dr. Stanley, a psychologist at the University of Denver, and is recognized as the simplest and most effective "marriage thermometer." Please compare and rate yourself based on the 8 conditions below.

1. A small dispute suddenly turned into a big quarrel, with each other yelling at each other fiercely and old scores being brought up.

2. My lover ignores my opinions, feelings, and needs.

3. My words or actions are often considered malicious by my partner.

4. When there is a problem to be solved, we always seem to be on opposing sides.

5. I cannot tell my partner my true thoughts and feelings naturally.

6. I often imagine if I could change my lover, what would it be like?

7. I feel very lonely in my marriage.

8. When we quarrel, there is always one party who is unwilling to talk anymore and starts to avoid or leave the scene.

The scoring standard is that if each question "never" or "rarely happens", it is worth 1 point; "occasionally happens" is worth 2 points; and "often happens" is worth 3 points. When you add up the scores for each question, if the total score is between 8 and 12, it means that the temperature of your marriage is stable and healthy. If the total score is between 13 and 17, your marriage needs to be vigilant. If the total score exceeds 18 points, it means that your marriage needs to be adjusted immediately.

The seven most difficult problems to solve in marriage

1. Communication issues

Almost all marital problems stem from a lack of communication.

Solution: Make time. Go on a real date with your partner. If you live together, wait until the kids are asleep, put your phone on vibrate, put the answering machine on, and have a long chat with him or her. If you are unable to communicate softly with your partner, choose quiet public places such as libraries, parks, and restaurants, because you will feel embarrassed if you speak loudly in these places. Make some rules.

For example, don't disturb the other person while working, and don't say things like: "You always... you never..." and the like. A big part of communication is listening, so when communicating with your partner, don't scribble, look at your watch, or pick your nails. Let the other person feel that you are paying attention.

2. Sexual life problems

Even couples who love each other very much can experience sexual disharmony because people lack sexual education and sexual self-awareness.

Solution: Plan, plan, and plan. The date does not have to be at night. You can choose to have sex at noon on Saturday when the children are taking a nap, or have quick sex before work, or change the sex venue, such as the kitchen or next to the fireplace, which can increase the fun of sex. Talk to your partner to see what would really turn him or her on, and then do that.

3. Money issues

Many marital issues arise before the wedding vows, such as money, starting when you start planning the cost of your wedding.

Solution: Be honest with your partner about your current financial situation. Don't bring up the topic of money during arguments, and take time to discuss money issues calmly. Acknowledge that one person on both sides must be a thrifty person and the other person is a wasteful person, and that this is beneficial to both parties and can complement each other. Don't hide debts and wages. Make your financial documents clear, including recent credit card bills, stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, etc. Don't blame the other person. Set up a joint account that includes deposits. Determine who pays the monthly bill. Allow the other person the right to handle their own money independently. Make short and long term plans, you can have personal plans but you should also have family plans. Make a financial plan for your parents’ retirement.

4. Distribution of housework

Many couples now have both partners working outside the home, so it's important to arrange household chores fairly.

Solution: Arrange housework in an orderly manner and know what you are responsible for at home. Distribute household chores fairly. Discuss solutions together. If neither of you enjoys doing household chores, consider hiring someone to do it. If one partner likes to do housework, the other partner can do laundry and gardening.

5. Not taking marriage seriously

If you want your marriage to work, make it the center of attention at all times, not just when you say "I do."

Solution: Do something you did on a first date. Such as a gesture of appreciation, complimenting the person, connecting with the person throughout the day, and showing that you are interested in him or her. Plan a romantic date in the evening. Respect each other.

6. Conflict and quarrel

Occasional conflicts are unavoidable, but too many conflicts and arguments need to be resolved. It is best for both parties to resolve the issue peacefully.

Solution: You are not a victim. It is your choice whether and how to fight back. Be honest with yourself! When you are arguing, are your words intended to solve the problem or are you just trying to retaliate against the other person? If your words are accusatory and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.

If your reactions are still making you unhappy and hurting yourself, why not change it? Give a little, get a lot. If you are wrong, apologize. Although it is difficult, you will receive unexpected surprises.

7. Trust issues

Trust is very important in a marriage relationship. Is there any special behavior of the other party that makes you distrust him? Do you have a hidden crisis of trust?

Solution: Be consistent and punctual; do what you say you will do; don’t lie to your partner and others, even white lies; be fair, even in arguments; value other people’s feelings. Even if you disagree with your partner, don't ignore his or her feelings; call when you say you will; call to tell your partner you will be home late; shoulder your share of the workload; Don't overreact when something is wrong; never say something you can't take back; don't open up scars; respect your partner's privacy; don't be jealous; and be a good listener.