After getting married, some people can’t help but regard their partner as the most important person in their life, especially women, who must be “as good as just one person.” However, psychologists point out that this attitude of "losing yourself" in a relationship is not beneficial to marriage, and partners who are too close will be unhappy. The latest issue of the magazine "Personality and Social Psychology" reports that psychologists have found that lovers have a kind of "relationship-conditioned self-esteem" (RCSE) to varying degrees. It refers to a person who evaluates himself according to his position in the relationship and loses self-awareness and objective judgment. Some extreme people may even believe that if a partner cannot prove their worth, then they are worthless. Chip Nee, assistant professor and director of the Interpersonal Relationships and Motivation Research Group at the University of Houston, and his colleagues conducted a series of studies on this psychology. The results show that although those with high RCSE scores are very devoted to their feelings, they have a low evaluation of themselves. In the process of emotional development, people with high RCSE are also prone to manic and paranoid behaviors. If they encounter setbacks such as breakup or divorce, they will become anxious, depressed, and even hostile. "Instead of calming down to analyze the situation and thinking about how to take the best measures, they react immediately and impulsively." Dr. William Hankin, a famous sex psychologist at the Kinsey Institute for Sexuality in the United States, also pointed out that the opposite of RCSE is Staying true to yourself in a relationship is one of the secrets of a happy marriage. After getting married, many people not only give up themselves, but also ask the other person to give up themselves, requiring the two people to merge into a "third body" established for marriage. "Just like every time some women buy clothes, the first thing they consider is whether their husbands will like it; or when dining out, men put their wife's taste first and give up their favorite hamburgers; what's more, some The wife always says "my husband said it" and can't make up her mind about anything. " Dr. Hankin reminded that this kind of sacrificing oneself for love is not advisable. First of all, it goes against the original intention of love. Two people fall in love because they are attracted to each other as an "individual". Secondly, losing oneself will make individuals feel depressed and restricted, while true love is a kind of tolerance and should give each other freedom. Finally, always being addicted to love, with only you and me in my eyes, this kind of relationship is also fragile and cannot go through wind and rain. Dr. Hankin introduced some practices to help people maintain themselves, such as regularly "leaving" their partners and gathering only with friends; insisting on keeping a diary to record only their own interests and hobbies. "Lovers should spend 10 minutes alone every day, close their eyes, and think about the people, places and events that left a deep impression on them. It is like a signpost on a long journey, helping you determine 'who I am'."

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